Even now as I set my fingers against the keys of my laptop I feel this pang in my chest. As if I'm unworthy to write a word. As if I've been gone too long. As if I will not be welcomed with open arms. For the longest time, I wasn't sure whether I'd post again. I had such high hopes for this platform but the weight of senior year and college applications (and decisions) felt like the world. I barely had enough energy to survive writing my application essays let alone write a blog post.

For a writer, few things hurt more than writer's block. That mysterious fog that seems to encompass the brain and limit one's creativity. This fog was especially stifling after I completed my college applications and was forced to wait for what I hoped were acceptances. During this time I questioned a lot of things. I questioned the time spent working on school work over football games in high school. I questioned my writing abilities. I questioned myself.

I am my worst critic. As the Editor-in-chief of my school's paper, I've made it my job to edit things to perfection - to ensure that everything is left in a better package. Yet as a blogger, I've come to realize that I must ignore that voice in my head and allow some of the imperfections to show. These kinks are the very things that make my writing different from the next writer and blogger. In the midst of all of this, I remembered a single lyric from Andy Mineo's song, "You Can't Stop Me". Oddly enough I tend to go to this song whenever I get bogged down in my soul, and that day a different lyric stuck with me. He said that "my biggest enemy is me and even I can't stop me".  This lyric applies to all of us, but it surely applied to me during this situation. So many times we allow ourselves to come in between what we love yet, in the end, we must make a decision to either give up or persevere.

To those experiencing writer's block I just wanted to say that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Your concerns are valid. You CAN beat this because there is always an ending and a beginning. You will not be in the dark forever, Hold out and wait for the light because it always comes. It may not always be in sight, but hold out for it because once you grab hold onto it you will be so happy you went through the trials.

This past winter I got the call that most high schools seniors could only dream of. A likely call - my application had just been read and I had gotten the rubber stamp - I got in. Even now I wish I had the footage of that moment, but like all great moments, it couldn't have been planned. It was unexpected in all of the best ways. I still remember falling to the ground in my happiness, the tears running down my cheeks as my parents asked what was wrong. This was the break I had been waiting for. This for all intents and purposes felt like my next step and at that moment it was. I didn't care about the possible costs or details, those things I thought would fall into place. If I was meant to be there that God would make a way. Fast forward to Ivy Day and unlike all the other "normal" Harvard hopefuls wondering whether they'd find there opening. I knew. I knew that I had already gotten into the #1 school in America - if not the world, and I was ecstatic to see the official notification. I had worked towards this my entire life so I'd be lying if I said that I hated to see the fruits of my labor.

Yet, deep down I knew that my bigger question was financial aid. Living in a family of 6, I knew that I couldn't afford to pay anywhere near the costs of tuition and board. I knew that the odds weren't necessarily in my favor considering my family's financial situation, but I also knew that where there's a will there's a way. So I waited for my financial award and unsurprisingly I was greeted with the costs of an Ivy education. As you may expect I appealed the decision and saw a slight increase in how much I was given, but nowhere near what was needed in order for me to go. At this point, I looked for last-minute scholarships and hoped that some of the bigger scholarships I applied for would pan out, but they didn't.

Even now while reflecting on that fateful decision I sometimes wonder about the what ifs. What if I had chosen to go to Harvard? Would funding have appeared had I taken a step of faith? But as more days past I've realized that I'm actually super excited to go to Washington and Lee. This is a place that I have visited multiple times and have loved. I may not be going to the ivy league but I'm definitely not settling for a school that is any less rigorous education-wise.